My little fort . . .

The moment I was born,

He caressed me in his arms,

Crying, kissing my tiny forehead,

Proclaiming to the world –

“Oh, my beautiful angel!”

He was my hero – and I didn’t look beyond.

My life was him, and his life was me.

 

He held my tiny fingers and led me to kindergarten,

He brushed my hair and sang me lullabies,

He made me toast and gave me baths,

He took me to church and brought me whatever I asked.

He was my hero – and I didn’t look beyond.

My life was him, and his life was me.

 

As the years fell away like the late winter dawn,

His caresses grew more loving, more caring.

It wasn’t kisses to my forehead anymore, but kisses to the cheek.

His embrace longer, like two bodies destined to meet.

The pinches to my hips, the cupping of my lips,

He still loved dressing me up,

But more so – he loved dressing me down.

He was my hero – and I didn’t look beyond.

My life was him, and his life was me.

 

His kisses to the cheeks spilt over to the lips now,

His caresses almost entirely to my bosom and nowhere beyond,

He hugged me from behind, and bit my neck, in jest, he said,

He made his fingers into little soldiers, and ran it through my thighs,

The fort is being attacked, take cover, he cries.

He tears the veils and pledges his soldiers to battle,

Take cover in that tiny hole, hide like a herd of cattle.

And, so the little soldiers took cover in the fort,

In my fort.

“You have the most beautiful fort in the world” he said.

That made me giggle.

He was my hero – and I didn’t look beyond.

My life was him, and his life was me.

 

He died when I was 10,

I was unconsolable;

I went for nights crying my heart to cinder,

I tried joining him – but, never to flames could I surrender.

So, I lived on – for him.

Twenty now, and I know just how,

My little fort wasn’t breached anymore,

In my voiceless silence, I cried,

My soul torn to shreds, my body left in tatters,

By the man I loved the most.

Once upon a time.

The Circle of Hell

So, finally, my mom’s coming over to visit me. I was so excited. It’s been a long while. These two years, I missed her like hell. It felt like an infinity. My mom hated my decision. She used to cry for hours on end just to calm herself down. But, when greener pastures beckon, one must grab the opportunity with both hands. I myself didn’t regret the decision. This place is pure heaven. So serene and tranquil, that I fell in love with it the moment I entered.

“Hi mom… How are you? Long time no see!!”
“You still haven’t changed, have you Nithya?”
“Mom, I’m so happy that you’ve come. You won’t go back, will you? I missed you a lot.”
“No dear I won’t be going back. And, your dad won’t be coming.”
“Thank goodness. I was beginning to wonder whether I would ever get to see you again.”
“You’ll forever remain mama’s girl. Oh! When are you going to grow up, darling? I missed you a lot, you know…” mom’s tears spoke.
We embraced. It was a strange feeling. A bit awkward, to be precise.

***

Of course, it was my dad who had started it all. Looking back, I could guess what I did was rather silly but it led to me making the most important decision of my life.

The night sky had a beautiful tinge of indigo to it. My mom was away for the weekend. But, I had my dad for company.

I adored him. He was my hero.

“Dad, I love you”

He hugged me tightly. And, gave me a kiss on my cheek.

“I know sweetheart. Come let’s sleep.”

I did notice that his hand touched my breasts when he hugged me, and his kiss was too close to my mouth for comfort.

But, well, he was my dad. And, holding his arm in mine, I walked with him to our room.

***

I lay in the hospital bed, with my eyes closed. I was feeling dizzy. My breathing was erratic. I could hear voices of all sorts.

I could hear my mom crying in the distance. I could hear my dad’s scampering footsteps. I could hear talks about me. The press. The police. The people. The entire world.

“Bitch”

“Oh god, how could her father do this to her?”

“Stay strong darling, I love you. I need you”

“Justice will do its duty.”

“Whore”

“Damn his father. Let him burn in hell.”

“We are doing our best. Her father will get the highest punishment possible”

“Let her burn in hell. She must have been wearing only skirts.”

“Screw her”

“We are doing our best. The rest is up to God”

“She must have been the one to start it all”

Shame. Infinite shame. Fills my heart. Fills my soul. I’m not worth that shit. I hear it over and over again. These little voices. Refuses to shut up.

My heart beat was erratic. I smiled. It was then that I made my decision. In hindsight, I could have waited longer, but, I have no regrets.

My heart beat was erratic no more.

 ***

So, finally, my mom’s coming over to visit me. These two years, I missed her like hell. She used to cry for hours on end just to calm herself down. She had taken the same decision as I did.

“Hi mom… This place is heavenly isn’t it?”
She smiled. “What a pun with words. Always joking around”
“Mom, I’m so happy that you’ve come. You won’t go back, will you? I missed you a lot.”
“No dear I won’t be going back. It wasn’t worth it. And, your dad won’t be coming.”

“Thank goodness. What happened to him anyways?”
“They proved that nobody raped you” mom’s tears spoke.

I smiled.

***

This post is part of the Chennai Bloggers Club’s CBC VIBGYOR BLOG TAG. Today’s color theme was Indigo.

‘Indigo ribbon campaign’  was founded to protect the victims of stalking and few other crimes such as bullying, harassment, systematic harassment/stalking.

The pain of harassment and rape is beyond interpretation. Beyond words. Beyond imagination. And, when it comes from the people you look up to, the people you trust, the people you love, it is a feeling worse than death itself.

The greatest threat to society is not what happens outside the four walls of homes. It is what happens inside.

Am I a mere lust machine?

Am I merely a lust machine

For the world to use?

Do I have just a face and a body

And no heart nor soul?

Do we only get aborted or killed

Or used just for sex?

Am I merely raised

To be your lamb for slaughter?

Why am I treated

Like a slave not a daughter?

Why must I cover myself from head to toe

Why don’t you just stop uncovering your manhood?

Your heads must hang in the gallows

Why am I still supposed to hang my head in shame?

You are tainted with lust and painted with sex

Why am I alone called tainted and painted?

You rape me when am 2, you rape me when am 60

Do you think we are just your plug and play?

You use me like a filthy rag cloth

Why then do you care about what we wore?

You screw my happiness for your pleasure

Am I just your fucking whore?

You toyed around with my vagina

What do you think I am . . . your sex toy?

You pulled out my intestines for fun

What do you think they were . . . Noodles?

Dreaming Tears

Injustice is instant

Why can’t justice be too?

No passerby dared to come near

Am I worser than a pile of dog shit?

You are talking about me losing virginity

Where have we all lost our humanity?

Am I just one of your sexual whims

Would you rape your own mother too?

The world isn’t safe for us to sleep in

And still you ask me to rest in peace?

Is the only mistake I did

Was be born a girl?

You destroy my honor! Am a strong woman

Why destroy my parents’ hopes too?

Making love to me was your hideous dream

Are my dreams fit only for the dustbin?

I cried out in pain, you paid no heed

Why will you listen had I cried out to Gods?

There are millions of Gods in the world

Isn’t there not a single human being?