How to Become a Fake Godman in 15 ways

Fake Godmen

How to become a Godman?

Godmen have the best of both worlds. They experience heaven on earth, a multitude of women, fans, money, and fame always seem to follow them wherever they go.

Here are 15 ways to become a fake godman too. (Everything listed here are tongue-in-cheek. Not to be taken seriously).

Am not responsible if you fail in becoming a fake godman, but, if you do . . . well, you got to give me a share of your property. πŸ˜‰

1. Adopt a new, fancy, and exceptionally longggg name. So, no more being called Rama, or Krishna. Re-christen yourself as Bhagwan Sri Sri Sri (the more Sris, the better) Rama Krishna Paramapitha Maggi Vasudeva Kurkure Menon Swamigal.

2. Grow an equally long beard. You won’t be taken seriously if you address the crowd with a clean-shaven look and military hair cut. You must appear like a prehistoric ape. So grow your hair and beard long enough for birds and animals to live in, and for Loosama Gin Laden to hide in.

3. Re-christen your devotees’ names too. Imagination is key here. So, Miss Shalini Dubey becomes Ma Shakeela Kubey. Play around with names till you get it right. And, remember the prefixes. Ma, Pa, Mami, Paati, Thatha. Everything matters.

4. Have an orange dress code. So everything from your innerwear to your slippers metamorph into an absurd color of orange.Β  And, yes . . . . loads and loads of rudrakhsh malas around your neck, like a bride ready for marriage.

5. Learn magic tricks. This can make or break your career. You must be able to create vibuthi (holy ash) out of thin air, conjure a linga from your mouth without gagging, and cure fever in pigs. Straightening a dog’s tail will give you legendary holy man status. So, learn. And practice.

6.Β  Self-proclaim your enlightened status. Yes, self-publicity is the need of the hour. Tell the world that you became enlightened sitting on top of a rock, rolling in the bottom of a pit, or standing on top of poop in a pig sty. And when you say this, look to the heavens, close your eyes, and cry. (Heightened effect).

7. Change the pitch of your voice.Β  Make it deep. Make it broadcasting. Pause for effect. Talk slowly. Keep laughing at your own joke, or roll your eyes if you have nothing else to do. And, yes . . . most importantly, talk gibberish.

8. Open an ashram. Get suddenly struck by God’s lightning bolt when you are deep in meditation, and say that “God has asked” you to start an ashram. Bless a few foreigners and a couple of political leaders. Lo and behold, all the Swiss bank purse strings will open.

9. Read. Read. Read. Any book on Zen Buddhism, Nasrudin Mullah, and Jangri Dabba is key. You must be able to give complex “deeper” meanings into simple questions. If someone asks you the time, tell them that life is a pilgrimage from nowhere to nowhere, in which you are now-here.

10. Be in the news, always. This one is difficult. Be armed with controversies and miracles. Make people believe that they can fly. Tell the world that chickens die because they don’t call out to God for help. Cure blind men of their deafness, and deaf men of their dumbness.

11. Start a free school and a medical hospital. This is important in gaining more trust. Donations will be key here. So, make sure you say it’s all part of God’s plan. Everything else can be charged. Right from processions, to prasadams, to papads. High return on investments. Rest assured.

12. Keep separate rooms for special ‘devotees’. So, well-to-do businessmen has a separate room, top political officer has another, and one ofΒ  your “special female devotees on the pathway to heavenly nectar” has a separate room. Discourses and acts in each of these rooms must be different. Mixing rooms up will lead to disaster.

13. Beware of video surveillance. Completely ransack your rooms for any form of video cameras. A fly on the wall, a slipper on the floor, a jam bottle on the table . . . these are dangerous items. Watch out for any holes in the wall during your ‘holy’ act. If caught, claim that you were morphed, the girl was morphed, and the bed itself was morphed.

14. Keep meditating. Watch monkeys monkeying around. Watch different apes, gorillas, and buffaloes for inspiration. Adopt the same technique and call it dynamonkey meditation, tarzan meditation, or tummy meditation. Make your devotees sing, dance, shout, and cry for extended periods. Or, ask them to watch a Karan Johar movie.

15. Last but not the least. Threaten the world that you will leave your physical, mathematical, and chemistrical body if the devotees do not give you bikes, cars, aeroplanes, and bullock carts. And, wait for the swiss purse strings to open up again.

Doing all this will ensure you a successful career as a fake Godman. All the best.

Jai Pyjamaya namaha!

This post is part of the Chennai Bloggers Club’s CBC VIBGYOR BLOG TAG.Β The color theme for the post was Orange.


34 thoughts on “How to Become a Fake Godman in 15 ways

    • Thank you Sushmitha. πŸ™‚ Yes, that’s the irony. But…I believe that if we have faith in God, people will stop being gullible, and start believing more in themselves. But, guide them to the right path, a guru is needed.

    • Hahaha..That’s a good one there. πŸ™‚ I believe that there are no Godmen. Everyone, in some way, uses this status to fool people. If there was a true lover of God, a child of God, he would not need such marketing gimmicks. So…to answer your question…there are no Godmen at all. Only the level of being fake differs. πŸ™‚

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  2. That’s a WONDERFUL post there Vishnu! Enjoyed reading it from the heading to the footer (believe I didn’t even miss the CBC Tag part highlighted in Italics! Humorous, insightful, knowledgeable, eye-opener to those who believe in this concept of Saadhus and Babas in this Age of Technology! Brilliant stuff!

    PS – Jai Pyjamaya namaha! πŸ˜‰

    • Thank you Indu. πŸ™‚ Yes, what is the need for Godmen? We don’t believe in ourselves nor completely in God. If we do, we would not get fooled by these so-called “godmen”. You are absolutely right…Big time thuggery!

  3. Why does the title has a “fake” in it? Is there anything like “real” godman? Other than that, these are brilliant advices. Thank you! I have already started by trying to straighten a dog’s tail.

    • I didn’t want to invite the wrath of goondas of some so-called “real” godmen πŸ˜›
      Glad that you liked it. πŸ™‚ You tried straightening a dog’s tail? Thats great.After you become a godman, kndly give me a share of your property. πŸ˜‰

    • Appreciate your comment Diwakar. πŸ™‚ There are real Godmen, but, this post was on how to become a “fake” godman πŸ™‚
      Meant it as a tongue-in-cheek write-up, not to hurt sentiments. Thanks for your valuable comment though. πŸ™‚

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  5. I agree there are lots of “fake” godman from India and hiding behind larger religious institutes around the world. But that does not mean the religious person have to give up on the life long path of achieving liberation/moksha. Sanatan dharma provides many paths to liberation (Karma, Jnana, Bhakti). Unfortunately many people, in search of a “True” Guru end up choose the “fake baba”.

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  7. ALL GODMEN & GODWOMEN ARE “FAKE” WITHOUT EXCEPTION!!! Do you wish to become a GODMAN or GURU and make load of money?. It’s not very complicated actually. You’ve got to first decide whether you wish to take the easy “BHAKTHI” way or the more convoluted “INTELLECTUAL” path.
    If you opt for the BHAKTHI route you should then identify a DEITY who could be your MASCOT …. it could be Krishna, Shiva, or a powerful Devi. Then you have to fashion a special physical IMAGE for yourself, if you are male you could either grow a beard or shave off your hair, wear some kind of headgear, a robe, or bare your body, use a lot of holy ash and sandalwood on your face and other visible parts of your body; if you are a woman you should preferably wear white or saffron robes or a shawl over your saree, wear very little make-up, and try to look lost in divine bliss! Now you have to get a few musicians and bhajan singers to chant and sing the usual kirtans and bhajans – usually a remix to suit the specific AVATAR of your Bhakthi.
    If you instead choose the INTELLECTUAL approach to control minds of people, it requires a bit of communication skills. You should be able to first read and understand what so many other mystics – your contemporaries as well as predecessors have outlined in the past. From this vault of spiritual treasure you could pick and choose your sermons. But it is always important to remember that your audience also do a bit of reading and pretend to be skeptics. The fact is that most of your followers will be psuedo-intellectuals who are essentially professionals or business people trying to make sense of this world. They are typically the educated class who are confused and bored with the drudgery of life and its superficial joys. So you have to TEACH them a few NEW TRICKS. You could find some form of Meditation or Breathing technique and tweak it a bit. Add some music therapy and dance. Describe life as a “CELEBRATION”, and smile a lot and exude condfidence and joy!
    Of course, you need an INVESTOR or financing partner who can provide you a little working capital to begin with. You need to rent a place, hire AV equipment, employ professional musicians, etc. If you persist for a year or two with determination you will eventually find a rich benefactor who would have by some strange fate of coincidence benefitted from your ‘blessings’ and words of wisdom. This guy or gal will become your biggest asset. You have it made from then on …..
    Good luck!
    PS: See you on the other side of Life! Signed – GOD CONSULTANT

  8. Excellent piece of truth combined with hilarious humour. Enjoyed reading. May God – not a Godman – bless the writer

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